You have arrived in the LEXXVERSE where the spirit of Lexx lives on. Home


To Laugh Or Not To Laugh, That Is The Joke!
 Moderated by: Ketana, CheshireKat, aeonflux  

New Topic

Reply

Print
AuthorPost
Be_You_
Heretic


Joined: Wed Feb 18th, 2009
Location: San Francisco Bay, California USA
Posts: 342
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Tue May 26th, 2009 06:15 pm

Quote

Reply
Dragonflygurl wrote:  an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man ...
second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
DFG - I suspect the California woman was from somewhere south of Point Sur. This story reminded me of one I read about Jimmy Carter's mom:

Doug Brinkley: There's that wonderful story of Miss Lillian when one reporter a woman from New York came down to Plains, and Miss Lillian greeted her and said, "Welcome to Plains. You know, it's so nice to see you. Would you like some lemonade? How was your journey, your dress is beautiful." You know, poring on the Southern hospitality. And the reporter jumped right in on Miss Lillian and said, "Now Miss Lillian, your son is running for president saying he'll never tell a lie. As a mother, are you telling me he's never told a lie?" She goes, "Oh well Jimmy tells white lies all the time." And the reporter said, well tell me what, what do you mean? What is a white lie?" And Miss Lillian said, "Well, remember when I said, welcome to Plains and how good it is to see you? That's a white lie."

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/presidents/video/carter_08.html#v283

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu May 28th, 2009 11:06 am

Quote

Reply
Inspirational Office Slogans

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings - they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat.

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.

We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!

Two days without a Human Rights Violation!

If at first you don't succeed - try management.

It's only unethical if you get caught.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

Work harder slaves!

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If you can read this, you're not working!

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

Succeed in spite of management.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu May 28th, 2009 05:40 pm

Quote

Reply
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey
boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just
laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by,
dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy
walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks
by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks
caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like
a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."



____________________

Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri May 29th, 2009 11:11 am

Quote

Reply
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members. "How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sat May 30th, 2009 12:24 am

Quote

Reply
A True Story

During a visit to a mental home, a visitor asked the director what criterion defined whether or not a patient should be admitted.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bath with water, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath."

"Oh I understand," said the visitor, "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup."

"No," said the director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Mon Jun 1st, 2009 11:22 am

Quote

Reply
NEW K-9 MIRANDA WARNING



1.You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away

from me.



2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to

the ends of the earth.



3. You have a right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a

recent Law School Graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along

with you.



4. If while running you suddenly decide to end the race, be aware that my

K-9 may or may not understand your intentions and may continue his pursuit

of you in full stride.



5. You may stop running at anytime at your own risk.



6. Good luck. On your mark, get set...GO!



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Mon Jun 1st, 2009 11:39 am

Quote

Reply
Angel wrote: NEW K-9 MIRANDA WARNING



1.You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away

from me.



2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to

the ends of the earth.



3. You have a right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a

recent Law School Graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along

with you.



4. If while running you suddenly decide to end the race, be aware that my

K-9 may or may not understand your intentions and may continue his pursuit

of you in full stride.



5. You may stop running at anytime at your own risk.



6. Good luck. On your mark, get set...GO!

:wtflol::laughing1:

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Mon Jun 1st, 2009 11:40 am

Quote

Reply
I don't know where my cousin gets these.

Ray is Gay.



He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.



The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush.



You have AIDS.'

Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'
'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice'.

Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for'.

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Jun 2nd, 2009 11:37 am

Quote

Reply
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Jun 3rd, 2009 11:21 am

Quote

Reply
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.

After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.

Suprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?

The blonde girlfriend replied, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Jun 3rd, 2009 04:42 pm

Quote

Reply
A Successful Businessman Flew To Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the
shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of
his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get
himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to
send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his
drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said
(adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell
out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and
was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his
financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty
good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride
back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his
old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The
businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack
of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the
airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to
give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The
businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same
questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked
"How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The
businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long
line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each
driver.



____________________

Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Jun 3rd, 2009 04:43 pm

Quote

Reply
Dragonflygurl wrote: I don't know where my cousin gets these.

Ray is Gay.



He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.



The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush.



You have AIDS.'

Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'
'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice'.

Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for'.

BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...oh shittttt..



____________________

Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Jun 4th, 2009 11:32 am

Quote

Reply
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.

"Um, yeah... so," the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Jun 5th, 2009 11:16 am

Quote

Reply
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Jun 5th, 2009 08:19 pm

Quote

Reply
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Stockton-on-Tees couple who drove their car to ASDA only to have their car break down in the car park.

The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.


 Current time is 02:26 am
Page:  First Page Previous Page  ...  64  65  66  67  68  69  70  71  72  73  74  ...  Next Page Last Page  


Quick Reply
Enter your quick reply:



Black_metal theme exclusively by: WowBB Theme Mall
Powered by WowBB 1.7 - Copyright © 2003-2006 Aycan Gulez
SciFi Updates