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To Laugh Or Not To Laugh, That Is The Joke!
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Angel
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 Posted: Mon Aug 17th, 2009 11:33 am

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A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293,' he says. 'The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOD!'

The intercom falls silent.

A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. 'I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier,' he says.

'But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

'That's nothing,' a passenger in coach shouted. 'You should see the back of mine!'



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Angel
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 Posted: Tue Aug 18th, 2009 11:18 am

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A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer, who had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$20 for 3 minutes." the pilot replied.

"That's too much." said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you'll have to pay me the $20."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a thrilling ride.

After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."



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Angel
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 Posted: Wed Aug 19th, 2009 11:23 am

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How do you scare a man?

Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.



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Angel
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 Posted: Thu Aug 20th, 2009 11:32 am

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A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"



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Angel
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 Posted: Fri Aug 21st, 2009 11:20 am

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A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."

Man: "So what happened that's so horrible?"

Farmer: "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

Man: "Ok, but that's not so bad."

Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."

Man: "So what happened then?"

Farmer: "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

Man: "And then?"

Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

Man: "Again?"

Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."

Man: "So, what did you do then?"

Farmer: "I took her right leg this time, and tied it to the post on the right."

Man: "And then?"

Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, when the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

Man: "Hmmm . . . "

Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."

Man: "So, then what did you do?"

Farmer: "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Mon Aug 24th, 2009 10:41 am

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Just in case you can see it well the banners say WARNING  don't over feed the Pigeons

Last edited on Mon Aug 24th, 2009 10:43 am by Dragonflygurl

Angel
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 Posted: Mon Aug 24th, 2009 01:41 pm

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LMAO!!!



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Angel
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 Posted: Mon Aug 24th, 2009 01:54 pm

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A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast.One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said,"Don't move -- I'll be right back."When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?""I hiccupped."



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Angel
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 Posted: Tue Aug 25th, 2009 12:57 pm

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A Dictionary for Women



Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a basketball game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus, breath push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy women would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself ...anyway.



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Angel
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 Posted: Thu Aug 27th, 2009 11:19 am

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A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

'Is this yours?' he asked.

She said, 'Yes, could you bring it up?' The man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, 'I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?' He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, 'I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?'

The man hesitated then said, 'Do you act like this with every man you meet?'

'No', she replied, 'only with those who catch my eye.'



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Angel
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 Posted: Fri Aug 28th, 2009 11:26 am

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One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.

She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."

So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was.

So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." she decided that was also really cheap.

And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." she told him that she would take it.

As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose.

All of a sudden the man says, "It all comes up to $80."

Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70."

He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."



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Angel
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 Posted: Tue Sep 1st, 2009 11:38 am

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A trucker is driving down the highway when he hears a loud thump under his semi. He stops to check the damage, then calls his boss.

“I hit a pig on the road, and he’s stuck under my truck,” he explains. “What should I do?”

“Shoot it in the head,” answers the boss. “Then pull it out and throw it in the truck.”

The driver does it, then calls his boss back. “I did what you told me,” he explains.

“So what’s the problem?” snaps the boss.

The driver replies, “I don’t know what to do with his motorcycle.”



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Angel
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 Posted: Wed Sep 2nd, 2009 11:39 am

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SIGNS YOU HAVE A LEAD FOOT



Your the first person to be put on the FBI's most wanted list just for speeding.

Your friends car pool with you not to save gas but to save time.

You need three states just to go on a joy ride.

You have a suspended drivers license in all 50 states.

When you stop you leave a mile long skid mark.

You married your wife because she had a corvette.

Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is even faster."

You get blisters from your gas pedal.

Your car won't start unless it has 110 octane gas in it.

You get pulled over even when your not speeding just to get a warning not to speed.

You always leave at the last minute but you're never late.

Your friends leave a hour before you do just so you can meet them at the same time.

You don't wear a seatbelt, you wear a crash helmet.

Your speed gauge is stuck in the max speed position.

You can go through three drive thrus at the same time.

There's a radar detector named after you



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Be_You_
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 Posted: Wed Sep 2nd, 2009 03:43 pm

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And your car seat's backs wear out first.

Angel
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 Posted: Thu Sep 3rd, 2009 11:41 am

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10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should



1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to

turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.



2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when

vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a

dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then

putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.



3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of

confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it,

assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.



4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering

for one armrest in a movie theater.



5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be

swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the

room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the

rug.



6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling

the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has

to resort to the 'illegal' side.



7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant

whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if

they want fresh ground pepper.



8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone

number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.



9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a

dog presses its nose to it.



10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of

always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it

up, even when you're only six inches away.



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