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Abby1964
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 Posted: Tue Dec 21st, 2010 01:57 pm

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Angel wrote:
This was on the tonight show with Jay Leno............... Jay went into his audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. When the winner described her worst first date experience, there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize.

Marilyn said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold. The guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going. there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or she would go on the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked down her pants and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood at the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttock was firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor, she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed she was freezing her butt off and needed some assistance. He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing she too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into this predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants" down.

And you thought your first date was embarrassing. This presents a whole new definition of being pissed off.


or pissed on!



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Angel
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 Posted: Wed Dec 22nd, 2010 11:31 am

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One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, the complainer said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband El Cheap-O. My husband calls him El Take-0.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. The door opened and in popped the vet and announced to my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door.



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Wed Dec 22nd, 2010 08:14 pm

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Angel wrote: One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, the complainer said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband El Cheap-O. My husband calls him El Take-0.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. The door opened and in popped the vet and announced to my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door.

:bouncebig:

Be_You_
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 Posted: Thu Dec 23rd, 2010 09:32 pm

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A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.



The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.
It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.
This drawing is of me selling a snow shovel.

Angel
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 Posted: Mon Dec 27th, 2010 11:48 am

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To: All Holiday Participants

Re: Chrismukah

Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a- milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."



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Angel
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 Posted: Tue Dec 28th, 2010 11:34 am

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A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.

However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio broken."



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Angel
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 Posted: Wed Dec 29th, 2010 11:12 am

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

He observed, "You all have obsessions."

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.

He turned to the third mom, " Your obsession is alcohol. It manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're going home."



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Angel
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 Posted: Thu Dec 30th, 2010 11:18 am

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There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.

The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.

She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."



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JediPug1
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 Posted: Fri Dec 31st, 2010 05:23 am

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Angel wrote: There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.

The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.

She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."


:bouncebig: 



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Abby1964
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 Posted: Fri Dec 31st, 2010 10:48 pm

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This photo cracked me up



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Angel
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 Posted: Mon Jan 3rd, 2011 11:19 am

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Mental Exercises

A bicycle can't stand alone because it's two tired.

What's the definition of a will? A dead give away of course.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and address.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.



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mayaXXX
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 Posted: Mon Jan 3rd, 2011 05:11 pm

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Angel wrote: Mental Exercises

A bicycle can't stand alone because it's two tired.

What's the definition of a will? A dead give away of course.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and address.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.


And this thread is PUNNY !!! Arf !!

 

:BULLWHIP::badger::cat01::tweety:



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Angel
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 Posted: Tue Jan 4th, 2011 11:24 am

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At a prominent Parisian brothel, the madam opened the ornate gilded door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were dishevelled and he looked needy.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I'm here for Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie's one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man she charged $1000 per visit.

The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained no-one had ever come back two nights in a row and there were no discounts. It was still $1000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no-one could believe it.

Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.

At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man.

"No-one's ever used my services three nights in a row," she said. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Vienna."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3000 to give to you."



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Angel
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 Posted: Wed Jan 5th, 2011 11:22 am

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If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist whining, complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and still be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things,.......

Then you are probably the family dog.



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Angel
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 Posted: Thu Jan 6th, 2011 11:18 am

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He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am, all done." My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."



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