You have arrived in the LEXXVERSE where the spirit of Lexx lives on. Home


To Laugh Or Not To Laugh, That Is The Joke!
 Moderated by: Ketana, CheshireKat, aeonflux  

New Topic

Reply

Print
AuthorPost
Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Feb 18th, 2011 01:50 am

Quote

Reply

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Feb 18th, 2011 12:19 pm

Quote

Reply
One morning Bobby's mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S&M magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying and stressing trying to think of how to handle the situation.

Finally her husband came home from work and he asked her how her day was. The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going handle this situation.

Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question."



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Mon Feb 21st, 2011 12:11 pm

Quote

Reply
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"

"I don't know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your f*cking ass it won't be Coco Pops."



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Feb 22nd, 2011 11:09 am

Quote

Reply
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Myrddin, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand. The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you...."

Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Myrddin, your turtle is not dead after all."

"Oh," the disappointed boy, wanting ice cream and a new pet, said. "Can I kill it?"



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Feb 23rd, 2011 11:13 am

Quote

Reply
A Guide to U.S. Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Feb 24th, 2011 11:17 am

Quote

Reply
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions .

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.........



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Feb 25th, 2011 11:32 am

Quote

Reply
A winner of the Darwin awards!

A 39-year-old Charlottesville Man died Thursday in a freak accident involving his washing machine.

According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry when he tried to speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into the basin. Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing machine's ON button. When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck.

The machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the machine's agitator went into gear. Strickson's head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson's face, blinding him.

Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of The bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free himself.

Strickson's dog, then apparently came into the laundry room. At about the same time, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from the shelf, startling the dog, who then urinated.

Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in "a small explosion," according to police reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed.

Strickson remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went into its high-speed spin cycle, spinning Strickson around at about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic experts. Strickson's head then smashed against a steel beam behind the washing machine, immediately killing him.

A neighbor heard the commotion and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene.



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
mayaXXX
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Dark Zone, Naturally
Posts: 2469
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Mon Feb 28th, 2011 02:08 am

Quote

Reply
What can I tell ya, that's my town !!



____________________
"Blah blah blah, Vampire Emergency, Blah..."
IT'S OFFICIAL
mayaXXX
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Dark Zone, Naturally
Posts: 2469
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Mon Feb 28th, 2011 04:25 am

Quote

Reply
I'm sure someone posted this a while back, but I couldn't find it, so here goes.

 



 

            A Cat's Day

 

 

            4:30 A.M. Owner turns over in bed, waking up cat.

 

            5:05 A.M. Owner, still asleep, pulls the blanket over his head - and the cat's next to

            him on the pillow. Disturbed by all this activity so early in the morning, cat seeks

            refuge deep under the blanket.

 

            6:00 A.M. Owner turns around, flattening cat under his belly. Cat let's out piercing cry

            and scratches him.

 

            6:01 A.M. Cat retracts his claws.

 

            6:02 A.M. Owner shoves cat off the bed. Cat bounces back like a rubber ball, landing

            smack on owner's face.

 

            6:30 - 6:45 A.M. Owner wipes blood off his face and tries to go back to sleep.

 

            7:00 A.M. Cat moves to the far side of the bed, taking most of the blanket with him.

 

            7:30 A.M. Alarm clock goes off. Cat knocks clock off the night table to stop the noise.

            Clock keeps ringing. Cat pounces on it. Clock stops ringing. Forever.

 

            7:31 A.M. Owner staggers to the bathroom. Cat jumps on sink to watch him shave and

            then on side of the bathtub to see him take a shower. When owner begins to sing, cat

            promptly leaves in disgust. He returns to bed to catch up on his lost sleep.

 

            7:40 A.M. Owner puts on his shoes and accidentally sits on cat.

 

            7:41 A.M. Cat goes back to sleep on the floor. Owner trips over him and falls on his

            face. Cat follows owner to the living room and goes to sleep on the living room couch.

 

 

            8:15 A.M. Owner leaves for work.

 

            9:30 A.M. Cat wakes up and goes to the kitchen to have breakfast.

 

            9:35 A.M. Passing his dish, cat jumps up on the kitchen counter, reaches into the

            cookie jar. Eats one cookie, returns to the living room and goes back to sleep.

 

            12:30 P.M. Cat pays another visit to the kitchen, to help himself to another cookie.

 

            1:30 P.M. Cat moves to the windowsill to check out the birds. Satisfied, he returns to

            the couch.

 

            1:45 - 2:30 P.M. Cat sharpens his claws, tearing off what is left of the upholstery. He

            then digs a hole in the carpet.

 

            2:35 P.M. Cat goes back to the kitchen for one more cookie.

 

            2:45 P.M. Cat climbs up the living room curtains for exercise. Exhausted, he goes back

            to sleep.

 

            6:15 P.M. Owner returns.

 

            6:20 P.M. Owner mixes beef and gravy for cat, who will have no part of it.

 

            6:25 P.M. Owner offers cat fresh Beluga caviar. Cat accepts.

 

            6:40 P.M. Owner sits down in his easy chair to read the evening paper. Cat parks

            himself across the center.

 

            6:41 P.M. Owner pushes cat off.

 

            6:42 P.M. Cat jumps back.

 

            6:43 P.M. Owner pushes cat off.

 

            6:44 P.M. Cat jumps back.

 

            6:45 P.M. Owner pushes cat off and moves to couch hoping for a chance to read his

            paper.

 

            6:46 P.M. Cat follows him and jumps in his lap.

 

            6:47 P.M. Owner pushes cat off.

 

            6:48 P.M. Cat jumps back, tearing the paper in half.

 

            6:49 P.M. Owner hurls cat against the wall across the room. Cat lands on the floor and

            grins.

 

            6:50 P.M. Cat returns to owner's lap.

 

            6:51 P.M. Owner gets up and walks to the kitchen to make a sandwich.

 

            6:52 P.M. Cat clings to his trousers. Owner tries to shake him off. Cat perseveres.

 

            7:15 P.M. Owner succeeds in separating cat from his trousers. He sits down to watch

            football on television. Cat jumps on his shoulders, gazing fixedly at owner's pastrami

            sandwich.

 

            7:16 P.M. Owner asks: "Want half of my sandwich?"

 

            7:17 P.M. Cat nods

 

            7:30 P.M. Cat watches television for a while, but loses interest in the outcome of the

            game. He leaves for the bedroom.

 

            10:30 P.M. Owner joins him.

 

            10:45 P.M. Cat wakes up and takes position.

 

            11:30 P.M. Both owner and cat go to sleep, though not necessarily in that order.

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

       

     

 

 



____________________
"Blah blah blah, Vampire Emergency, Blah..."
IT'S OFFICIAL
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Mon Feb 28th, 2011 11:06 am

Quote

Reply
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Abby1964
Heretic


Joined: Fri Mar 26th, 2010
Location: San Antonio, Texas USA
Posts: 1915
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Mon Feb 28th, 2011 09:42 pm

Quote

Reply
[img]http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRiJD0KYZQYs-VFjzvl3rInFz362lMzE09dnidTDDpqePK69UT-iT-BWJA:http://www.texaschapbookpress.com/magellanslog74/photos/theawfultruth.jpg[/img]

Okay You'll just have to click the link. It was sent to me by a male friend

Last edited on Mon Feb 28th, 2011 09:44 pm by Abby1964



____________________
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Mar 1st, 2011 11:11 am

Quote

Reply
A priest, scientist, an astronaut and a plumber were playing golf one day. To kill the time they started a conversation on natural occurrences. They chose to debate about wind.

The scientist said that winds were the result of thermal convection.

The astronaut said that they were made by the planet's rotation.

The priest said that storms were god's way of cleansing the earth.

The plumber only knew that the wind always blew when he played golf.

They played through 17 holes, arguing furiously.

Just as they teed up at the 18th, everything became calm. Amazingly, a giant hand came down through the clouds just inches above their heads. The astronaut and the scientist didn't see it because they didn't believe in the supernatural.

The priest knelt down and prayed in fear.

Only the plumber stood up. Suddenly a voice boomed down "If you want the answer, pull my finger".

The plumber did, and a mighty wind blew.



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Mar 1st, 2011 07:52 pm

Quote

Reply
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'A couple of minutes ago.'

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11442
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Mar 2nd, 2011 11:12 am

Quote

Reply
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in:

- Alaska
- California
- Coastal Florida
- Coastal Louisiana
- Coastal Alabama
- Coastal Mississippi
- Coastal Texas
- North Dakota
- Wyoming
- Colorado
- Kansas
- Oklahoma
- Pennsylvania

And

- Texas

Our dipsticks are located in DC

Any Questions? NO? Didn't think So.



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Be_You_
Heretic


Joined: Wed Feb 18th, 2009
Location: San Francisco Bay, California USA
Posts: 342
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Mar 3rd, 2011 10:02 am

Quote

Reply
Ha ha. Too droll. But of course clean renewable energy is the future:



 Current time is 01:53 am
Page:  First Page Previous Page  ...  108  109  110  111  112  113  114  115  116  117  118  ...  Next Page Last Page  


Quick Reply
Enter your quick reply:



Black_metal theme exclusively by: WowBB Theme Mall
Powered by WowBB 1.7 - Copyright © 2003-2006 Aycan Gulez
SciFi Updates