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To Laugh Or Not To Laugh, That Is The Joke!
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Angel
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 Posted: Wed May 4th, 2011 11:32 am

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This is sooooo true!!

In the beginning was the Plan
and then came the assumptions;
and the assumptions were without form
and the plan was completely without substance
and darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spake unto their Supervisors
and saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."
and the Supervisors went unto their Section Heads
and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung,
and none may abide the odour thereof."
and the Section Heads went unto their Department Heads
and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement,
and it is very strong, such that none can abide it."
and the Department Heads went unto their Managers,
and sayeth unto them, "It is a vessel of fertiliser;
and none may abide its strength."
and the Managers went unto the Vice President
and saying: "It contains that which aids plant growth
and it is very strong."
and the Vice President went unto the CEO
and sayeth unto him,
"It promoteth growth and is very powerful."
and the CEO went unto the Board of Directors
and sayeth unto them
"This powerful new plan will actively promote the growth,
and efficiency of the department and this area in particular."
and the Board of Directors looked upon the Plan
and saw that it was Good,
and the Plan became Policy,
And that, my friends, is how shit happens.



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Angel
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 Posted: Thu May 5th, 2011 11:24 am

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And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"Okay", said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time!"

And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. There was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project and your plans did not meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owls. But they would not let me catch any owls. So no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a hammer or saw. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environ- mental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdictions over the conduct of a Supreme Being. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I am still trying to resolve a complaint over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the State about owing some kind of use tax. I don't think I can finish your Ark for another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"Wrong! thundered the Lord. But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Some- thing man invented himself."

"What is that?" asked Noah.

There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoketh His Last Word: "Government."



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Angel
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 Posted: Fri May 6th, 2011 11:30 am

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Two bored Casino Dealers were waiting for potential gamblers to sit down at their Craps Table. A very attractive blonde lady comes over and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling...

"Mama needs new clothes!"

After the roll she hollers...

"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

Then she begins jumping up and down and hugging each of and squeezing the dealers. With that she quickly picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other all excited and dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers.... "I thought YOU were watching!"



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The dead do not squeeze and please....
Angel
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 Posted: Mon May 9th, 2011 11:27 am

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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do some- thing special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'

The breakfast was my idea."



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The dead do not squeeze and please....
Angel
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 Posted: Tue May 10th, 2011 11:33 am

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A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"



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Abby1964
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 Posted: Tue May 10th, 2011 10:14 pm

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A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,


'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'



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Be_You_
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 Posted: Thu May 12th, 2011 03:23 am

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I just heard a joke which is somewhat funny. Okay, I alerted you to the fact that this is a joke. Now the timing's off. I suck at this kind of thing.

It's funny in a harsh sort of way which isn't really my preference, but here it is:

There's a new drink named after Osama Bin Laden.

It's two shots and a splash of water.

Be_You_
Heretic


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Mana: 
 Posted: Thu May 12th, 2011 03:23 am

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I ruined it, didn't I?

Last edited on Thu May 12th, 2011 03:25 am by Be_You_

Angel
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 Posted: Thu May 12th, 2011 11:23 am

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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how . . .?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day . . . )

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save some time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a newsflash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere?)



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The dead do not squeeze and please....
Abby1964
Heretic


Joined: Fri Mar 26th, 2010
Location: San Antonio, Texas USA
Posts: 1915
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Mana: 
 Posted: Thu May 12th, 2011 01:03 pm

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Angel wrote: In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how . . .?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day . . . )

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save some time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a newsflash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere?)
They left my favorite one off the list
Preparation H:
"Not for oral use"
You just know some idiot had to try treating his hemorrhoids by eating the stuff.



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Angel
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Mana: 
 Posted: Fri May 13th, 2011 11:29 am

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The Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:

Monday
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper

Tuesday
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head

Wednesday
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles

Thursday
Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire

Friday
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge

Saturday
Pick up the pieces!!

Sunday
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them.

Whew! What a workout! It's enough to tire one out for a long time!!



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Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
 Posted: Sun May 15th, 2011 01:29 pm

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Angel
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Mana: 
 Posted: Tue May 17th, 2011 12:03 pm

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The dead do not squeeze and please....
Angel
Divine Executioner


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Mana: 
 Posted: Thu May 19th, 2011 11:32 am

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HEALTH MESSAGE:

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise does not run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.



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mayaXXX
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 Posted: Fri May 20th, 2011 07:56 pm

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HE SAID, SHE SAID....

 

He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him ..... . . You wear pants don't you?


He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I
sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart


He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.


He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.


He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring
and good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.


He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him. . ... A widow.


He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.




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