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To Laugh Or Not To Laugh, That Is The Joke!
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Angel
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 Posted: Wed Nov 14th, 2012 11:04 am

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A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak.

But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.'

He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'

She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'

He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'

So Janet decided to give it a try.

She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, diced them for her smothered steak . Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.

Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.'

Janet went into hysterics.

After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.' and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fella that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.'



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Angel
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 Posted: Thu Nov 15th, 2012 10:56 am

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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"



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Angel
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 Posted: Fri Nov 16th, 2012 11:11 am

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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.



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Angel
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 Posted: Mon Nov 19th, 2012 10:48 am

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An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. She was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"

The man, being a real smart alec, said, "Oh, well, that's what you can do when you're young and bright."

This made the lady even angrier, so she got in her car, backed up, pressed on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.

The young man raced back to his car and exclaimed, "What did you go and do that for?"

The little old lady replied, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"



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Angel
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 Posted: Tue Nov 20th, 2012 10:53 am

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Paddy, suffering from a severe toothache, finally got up enough nerve to visit his dentist, but lost it again when he was about to get into the chair. The dentist told his assistant to give Paddy a shot of whiskey kept on hand for just such circumstances as this.

"Ye got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.

"No!" replied Paddy.

So a second shot was brought, then a third.

"Now have ye got your courage?" asked the dentist.

"You're damn right!" Paddy said, squaring his shoulders. "I'd like to see the SOB who'd dare to touch me teeth now!"



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Angel
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 Posted: Wed Nov 21st, 2012 10:52 am

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Mary: Well, I guess I've reached that awkward age.

Jill: What do you mean?

Mary: Too young for Medicare, and too old for men to care!



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Angel
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 Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2012 12:58 pm

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Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!



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Angel
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 Posted: Fri Dec 7th, 2012 10:22 am

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While Bubba and Billy Bob, two rednecks from Lenoir,N.C. were in the local Wal-Mart they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place; a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize; a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"

Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."



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Be_You_
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 Posted: Thu Dec 20th, 2012 05:28 pm

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Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope the reindeer and the elves are fine. I have been a very good boy this year and I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV plus an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones



Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can play with outdoors.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus



Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me my request. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation.
Respectfully,
Tim Jones

ps - Don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit silly?



Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that I have attorneys on retainer and they will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only benefit your health --
potentially helping to clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days -- but will also improve your social skills.

Claus



Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was trying to be polite about this but first you brought my looks and my friends into this and now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want.

T-Bone



Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy



Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy


Timmy,

That's what I thought you little fuck.

Santa




The END

Ketana
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 Posted: Thu Dec 20th, 2012 05:47 pm

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LOL OMG WTF!!



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Angel
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 Posted: Thu Dec 20th, 2012 10:26 pm

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I'm laughing my Santa off!  :S1-2:



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Ketana
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 Posted: Fri Dec 21st, 2012 12:13 am

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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Sat Dec 22nd, 2012 02:05 am

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A intelligent Woman, a intelligent Man and Santa Claus are in elevator and there's $500 on the floor who do you think picks it up?
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The intelligent woman of course.  Why, because the other two are a myth.

Angel
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 Posted: Thu Dec 27th, 2012 12:56 pm

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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.



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Angel
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 Posted: Mon Dec 31st, 2012 12:57 pm

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Transylvania vacationBob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!



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