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To Laugh Or Not To Laugh, That Is The Joke!
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Angel
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 Posted: Thu Jan 15th, 2015 05:59 pm

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Nail in experimentDURING my freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment. "I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail," he said. The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, "Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?"



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Ketana
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 Posted: Fri Jan 16th, 2015 08:44 pm

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Angel wrote:

Nail in experimentDURING my freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment. "I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail," he said. The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, "Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?"



BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH snap...good one



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Angel
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 Posted: Mon Jan 19th, 2015 10:08 am

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How all careers end
How careers end...

Lawyers are disbarred.

Ministers are defrocked.

Electricians are delighted.

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.

Drunks are distilled.

Alpine climbers are dismounted.

Piano tuners are unstrung.

Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

Artists' models are deposed.

Cooks are deranged.

Dressmakers are unbiased.

Nudists are redressed.

Office clerks are defiled.

Mediums are dispirited.

Programmers are decoded.

Accountants are discredited.

Holy people are disgraced.

Pastry chefs are deserted.

Perfume makers are dissented.

Butterfly collectors are debugged.

Students are degraded.

Electricians are refused.

Bodybuilders are rebuffed.

Underwear models are debriefed

Painters are discolored.

Spinsters are dismissed.

Judges are disappointed.

Vegas dealers are discarded.

Mathematicians are discounted.

Tree surgeons disembark.



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Angel
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 Posted: Tue Jan 20th, 2015 10:54 am

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Top Signs You're At A Bad Motel

1.The "complimentary" paper tells you that President Kennedy has died.
2.The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.
3.The "magic fingers vibration" is supplied by giving a quarter to the town epileptic.
4.There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that is yellow
5.The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes.
6.You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it.
7.There's a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers.
8.The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you.
9.The Only TV station you can get is a porno channel with roseanne on it.
10.The wake up call comes courtesy of police helicopter.



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Ketana
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 Posted: Tue Jan 20th, 2015 07:13 pm

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no no no no...I'm rolling..number 3 did me in! buwahahahahahahahahah



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Angel
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 Posted: Wed Jan 21st, 2015 05:58 pm

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Looks bad on resume cover letters1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.

2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.

3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.

4. I know where you live.

5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."

6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.

7. Happy faces.

8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.

9. I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.



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Angel
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 Posted: Thu Jan 22nd, 2015 11:07 am

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An insurance company
Form Feed

Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus.

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:

Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn

Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo



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Angel
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 Posted: Mon Jan 26th, 2015 12:47 pm

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bachelor's dietBachelor's Diet

MONDAY:

BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth

LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.

AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the maalox

DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.



TUESDAY:

BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw

LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.

DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.



WEDNESDAY:

BREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho's

LUNCH - Rolaids and a coke

DINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps



THURSDAY:

BREAKFAST - Order out for pizza

LUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.

DINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.



FRIDAY:

BREAKFAST - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.

LUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murder

DINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.



SATURDAY:

BREAKFAST - Sleep through it.

LUNCH - Ditto

DINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.



SUNDAY:

BREAKFAST - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.

LUNCH - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.

DINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.



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Angel
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 Posted: Tue Jan 27th, 2015 05:57 pm

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Army needs new recruitsTop Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting

8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles

7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?

6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters

5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day

4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude"

3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center

2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island

1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"



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Ketana
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 Posted: Tue Jan 27th, 2015 10:23 pm

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#3 wins again..LOL.

bonus..Khaki makes everyone look skinny..



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 Posted: Wed Jan 28th, 2015 05:58 pm

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Men writing the rulesIf Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.



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Angel
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 Posted: Thu Jan 29th, 2015 06:00 pm

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Workplace insanityHOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.



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Ketana
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Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Jan 29th, 2015 11:50 pm

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stuff a condom into your computer and when IT asks why tell 'em you were surfing porn and wanted to have safe sex.



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Angel
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 Posted: Fri Jan 30th, 2015 05:56 pm

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A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."



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Angel
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 Posted: Mon Feb 2nd, 2015 05:56 pm

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As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"



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