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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Tue Nov 30th, 2010 08:24 pm

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1.  AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2.  MALES -  AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3.  FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.      REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4.  A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5.  IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6.  YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.  IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7.  IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

Angel
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 Posted: Wed Dec 1st, 2010 11:23 am

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"I ain't ready to get married," Sam Rush told his buddy, Joe. "But, when I do, I want a gal who's an economist in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we've got company and a fireball in the bedroom."

"Well, time passed and Sam did get married. One day he again ran into Joe.

"How's life with you, Sam?" Joe asked.

"Fine and dandy, Joe. I done got myself hitched."

"Great! And is she just like the gal you described to me?"

"Not exactly. I sure enough did get all the qualities in my wife that I wanted. But they came a little bit mixed. Jenny's a fireball in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we got company, but she's an economist in the bedroom.



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Abby1964
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 Posted: Thu Dec 2nd, 2010 08:05 pm

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A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there



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Angel
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 Posted: Fri Dec 3rd, 2010 11:36 am

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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



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Abby1964
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 Posted: Sat Dec 4th, 2010 12:51 am

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Blonde year in review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ....
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's....They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!



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Angel
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 Posted: Wed Dec 8th, 2010 11:28 am

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So, these two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn.

"Look", he shouts, "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?"

The passenger, being a man of the world, replies, "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?" The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks, "Well. How did it go?"

To which the driver replies, "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."



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JediPug1
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 Posted: Thu Dec 9th, 2010 07:45 pm

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"Take On Me" - The Literal Version...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HE9OQ4FnkQ&feature=player_embedded



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Angel
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 Posted: Thu Dec 16th, 2010 11:27 am

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Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"



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JediPug1
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 Posted: Thu Dec 16th, 2010 04:13 pm

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LOL Oh yeah... bill collectors will always find you....



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Angel
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 Posted: Fri Dec 17th, 2010 11:30 am

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I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it goes:

I decide to do work on the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car... BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail.

Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk.... BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills....

Yes, now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks... BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen.

I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away... BUT FIRST need to water those plants.

I head for the door and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys, ..

And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help...

BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail.



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Be_You_
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 Posted: Sat Dec 18th, 2010 05:30 pm

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A minister of a southern U.S. mega-church stops into a motel by the side of the highway whose sign advertises among its amenities that it offers free porn in every room.

While checking in he says to the desk clerk "Of course you'll have the porn disabled?"

"No, you disgusting freak, says the desk clerk: it's regular porn.

Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Sun Dec 19th, 2010 06:27 pm

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There's an Intelligent Man, a Intelligent Woman and Father Christmas in an elevator and there's a $100 on the floor, who do you think picks it up and why?.  Remember folks it's Christmas time

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Answer it's the intelligent Woman because they other two do not exist

:houselight:



Angel
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 Posted: Mon Dec 20th, 2010 11:35 am

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A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Mon Dec 20th, 2010 07:08 pm

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A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds
couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the
homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her
neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this
guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot
of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells
you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I
love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you
too.

Angel
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 Posted: Tue Dec 21st, 2010 11:10 am

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This was on the tonight show with Jay Leno............... Jay went into his audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. When the winner described her worst first date experience, there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize.

Marilyn said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold. The guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going. there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or she would go on the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked down her pants and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood at the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttock was firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor, she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed she was freezing her butt off and needed some assistance. He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing she too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into this predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants" down.

And you thought your first date was embarrassing. This presents a whole new definition of being pissed off.



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